I'm sorry -------

I'm sorry. I own you everyone an apology. I've complained too much and have been focusing on all the things that were wrong instead of all the things that were right.

Over the weekend (my kids were gone) I had time to think, ponder, pray, study etc. and .....read Jeffery's letter (the last blog entrance) and feel to repent for my attitude. I think that I became a bit hard-hearted as I've gone through being single for 9 years and experienced much throughout that time.

I'm sorry and will try to do better.
I appreciate the kindness and empathy that Jeffery showed -- because it geared me towards the right direction and softenened my heart. Sometimes that's all we need; to be validated and cared for.

So, I'm going to try to do better. I want to be soft and kind and tender and ..... pure in heart. Thanks for forgiving me, not judging, and allowing me the chance to change and become better.

I love Jeffery

Okay, so I got the nicest note I've probably ever received in my life (or for a long time) from a former principal of our school and dear and good man. He was kind, thoughtful and charitable.
He knows several good single-women and showed concern and tenderness for their situations.
He restores all of our faith in mankind.

Thank You, Jeffery. You are of the dearest brothers. I hope you will be blessed for your kindness as it truly was Christlike.

I've poured out my heart, probably too much, in these blogs --- but, it's been partly therapetic in my journey to becoming more pure in heart, forgiving, loving, and compassionate to others. I've found peace in forgiving others' and hope that the Lord hasn't given up on me yet.

Sometimes, as singles, we're given many opportunities to learn to forgive -- as people can say the darndest things. I've been hurt and have sometimes (too often) taken offense. I've prayed mightily to forgive as I don't like to not be at peace. And, it has come. Fasting helps too as does meditation and pondering on the truths of the gospel.
I am still on the quest to forgive and not take offense because it's me who suffers; not them. Often, they 'know not what they do'.

As (sometimes lonely) singles, we are blessed with an increased capacity for compassion since the hole (space) in our hearts has opened up a greater capacity for increased emotions of light and love. Now, that's a blessing to be grateful for. As are all the things we learn from the trials we experience. As my friend Jan would say "God is good, Heidi. God is good".

Thank You, Jeffery, for reminding me of what is good and true in this world.
You have blessed me and my children --- and your words were sweet manna to the soul.
Bless you and yours!

Drop-dead gorgeous Barbie who loves to hunt, fish, travel

Okay, so as a single person in my 40's this is what I'm dealing with on the on-line LDS singles sites. I wish that I would have kept some sort of a list over the years. You might be shock-ed and amaz-ed (as John Bytheway would say) to read what some of the men write.

It's worse than being at a Jr. High dance. You're rejected over and over and over again. And, they don't hesitate to do so because they feel anonymous.

But, I have OFTEN read things that men have written such as:
Looking for drop dead gorgeous
Needs to be in great shape to keep up with me
Must have had no depression in the past
I don't care if you keep a clean house, I don't care about stuff like that
I don't want any more kids
I've raised my kids and now want to hunt and fish and travel
Don't want someone with any baggage
Looking for hunting, fishing, travelling companion
Need someone with tight body and sexy
Won't write to you unless you post a photo
60 yr. old professional looking for musician in 20's
Must be willing to relocate because I can't
Want someone who works full-time, financially independent
Just looking for a good make-out, want no obligation
Looking for 'fun-loving' and 'playful'
etc.

Maybe some of these are okay, but there are worse ones out there.
The bottom line is that there is a lot of selfishness. (You'll just have to take my word for that.)

Some comments are probably helpful -- but, many focus on all the things that church leaders have told us that we shouldn't focus on --- because they don't make for a better marriage.

I didn't mind the surfacy items as much in the past as I do now. But, it's gotten old!
Perhaps they give insight into why certain ones are divorced. No one can fill the glass slippers of perfection that some are looking for. And, many women are still raising children (alone) looking for a partner not just a travelling buddy.

I guess that you have to be in the situation to really understand it. I'm sure that there are some nice men out there somewhere -- but, they seem to be few and far between. I know that the brethren are very concerned about this. My Stake President told me so after he had met with one of the twelve recently.

So.... before you judge single women too harshly --- try to understand what options they may or may not have. And, try to offer any kindness or support. It's one of the most difficult of life's challenges!!!!

Blogging Award

I've just received this award from Suko of Suko's Notebook Thanks Suko. You are always kind and thoughtful.

These are the guidelines I received from Suko:
1. List 10 honest things about yourself (have some fun with this!).
2. Pass the award on to 7 bloggers (or less)

I'm probably too candid on this blog. But, it's my therapeutic outlet. ;)

So....here goes:
Ten Truths About Me:
1. I don't like being single. It's of the hardest trials of my life.
2. I don't like being the poorest in the ward.
3. I try to love and serve much.
4. Ruffles and milk, not chocolate or ice cream :)
5. I have a secret present crush. :) but will never tell.
6. I REALLY like a clean and neat house (but it's not always that way.)
7. I'm not 'easy-going'. But, then, I've never read that in the scriptures or about any of the brethren either. But, a lot of men on-line are looking for that! as well as 'drop dead gorgeous', 'tight body', 'thin', 'wants to travel and play' etc. Haven't found many that want 'good mother', 'honest', 'nurturing', 'stay-at-home Mom' etc. For those of you who aren't single; you really have NO idea of what it's like. And, I've found, that most of you don't care either. :) It's like being rejected over and over again at a Jr. High dance --- but.....much worse.
8. I'm mad at a lot of people. :) Maybe, hurt is a better word. It's very lonely --- especially around the holidays. I don't even like to do family things anymore as everyone is with their spouses and children.
9. But, I work hard to love and forgive. (They know not what they do) (or....don't do)
10. I wish I could afford a nice haircut, have two temporary crowns on my teeth fixed (they have hurt for several years now) an eye exam and new contacts (I'm almost out) and glasses (mine are broken). But, someday I'd really love to have laser eye surgery. :)

How's that for honest and 'pouring out your heart'? :)

Thanks, Suko
You are dear!!!

Things are better

My last blog was a 'pour out your heart' type of entry. It helped. I felt better afterwards -- and even somewhat 'lightened'. I guess that sometimes things are better if we are able to express them, feel any sort of validation, and realize that we're not alone.

Thanks for those of you who commented! I truly appreciated you and hope that things will get better for you too.

One thing is certain --- life presents changes. Some are more difficult than others. Some bring happiness and ease, others bring more trials and challenges.

A friend recently reminded me that all these things can be for our good. They teach us things that we might not be able to learn in other ways and can be for our own purification and enlarging of our soul.

One thing I have learned is that the Lord truly does help me -- sometimes over time --- and then to look back and be grateful for what I've learned, even from the most excruciating of times. But, I often need help along the way in learning. Sometimes it comes from prayer, sometimes from pondering scriptures and pleading for help, sometimes from hymns, articles, comments from others, friends. I am so thankful for those who share something with me that I need at the time. I especially am receptive when they are doing it humbly and not to try to 'teach me a lesson'. I'm grateful for any kindnesses out there and bet that you are too!

Blogging Therapy

I don't think that anyone reads this blog -- but, that's okay. This is sort of my therapy blog I suppose. I can write/journal on here and get out my frustrations, sadness, lonliness etc. and then express my appreciation and gratitude for the blessings that I do have.

To be honest, sometimes I really do feel sorry for myself. Many friends, neighbors, family members have so many wonderful opportunities and blessings that we don't and probably never will in this life.

You don't have to remind me to be grateful for what I do have though. When I count my own blessings I know that I do have much to be grateful for. But, when I count others' blessings I have a harder time. Some of the things we struggle with that other people get to do are; travel, sports camps, music lessons, vacations, nice clothing, nice husbands, nice homes, nice cars etc.
Many know that they are blessed and express that gratitude. But, sometimes I feel so very alone feeling that no one cares about us, has any idea how hard it is, has any idea of how we feel when we can't afford all the things that they can.

I do realize that we have a roof over our heads, clothing, food etc. I also realize that there is a lot of worldliness and affluence in our society. I'm trying to find the balance of being grateful for what we have; which is 'sufficient for our needs' and not feeling sorry for ourselves and so much that we have suffered. For, we truly have suffered and have been through a lot of hard things. It's easier when we don't live among affluence. It's easier when we lived in a condo and weren't the poorest. But, when you're the poorest in the area -- you surely know it -- as do your children. My youngest has come home from church crying that she is the only one without a Dad and has also commented that some of the girls are so cute and have new dresses each week.

It does give us something to discuss and we have had to turn to the Lord in much of our heartache and grief. But, I'm glad that we're on this end of it and not the other as we have been very blessed to learn life lessons and about reaching out to others in need --- that we probably wouldn't have learned in any other way.

So.....though my heart aches often, and I know of the sweet blessings that many of my friends and relatives have with their nice homes and yards and spouses and children etc. I can only hope that someday the Lord will bless us with the desires of our hearts and that we will be more considerate and compassionate and aware of those who are suffering. And....that He will forgive us for the times that we were not. I do know that I truly have come to love the poor and the needy more than I love money or wealth. For that blessing I am grateful.
But I also feel sometimes that I am just a big loser.

Puzzles and Building Things

I used to think that doing puzzles was a waste of time. Why put together something when you can just buy the framed photo?

But, I've learned since then. I had two friends, a few years back, who invited me over to 'puzzle' with them. We were all new in the area -- one from another state, one widowed, and me; a single Mom with three young children. We spent some hours together putting puzzles together; but more importantly, putting each other together. We built relationships, laughed, learned of each other, and built something beautiful together.

Since those years back we've developed a family tradition of doing puzzles -- especially at Christmas time. Our favorite ones are by Eric Dowdle. This year we're doing 'Festival of Trees'. It's beautiful. Then, we'll glue it and frame it as a family memory.