Friday, December 5, 2008

Blogging Therapy

I don't think that anyone reads this blog -- but, that's okay. This is sort of my therapy blog I suppose. I can write/journal on here and get out my frustrations, sadness, lonliness etc. and then express my appreciation and gratitude for the blessings that I do have.

To be honest, sometimes I really do feel sorry for myself. Many friends, neighbors, family members have so many wonderful opportunities and blessings that we don't and probably never will in this life.

You don't have to remind me to be grateful for what I do have though. When I count my own blessings I know that I do have much to be grateful for. But, when I count others' blessings I have a harder time. Some of the things we struggle with that other people get to do are; travel, sports camps, music lessons, vacations, nice clothing, nice husbands, nice homes, nice cars etc.
Many know that they are blessed and express that gratitude. But, sometimes I feel so very alone feeling that no one cares about us, has any idea how hard it is, has any idea of how we feel when we can't afford all the things that they can.

I do realize that we have a roof over our heads, clothing, food etc. I also realize that there is a lot of worldliness and affluence in our society. I'm trying to find the balance of being grateful for what we have; which is 'sufficient for our needs' and not feeling sorry for ourselves and so much that we have suffered. For, we truly have suffered and have been through a lot of hard things. It's easier when we don't live among affluence. It's easier when we lived in a condo and weren't the poorest. But, when you're the poorest in the area -- you surely know it -- as do your children. My youngest has come home from church crying that she is the only one without a Dad and has also commented that some of the girls are so cute and have new dresses each week.

It does give us something to discuss and we have had to turn to the Lord in much of our heartache and grief. But, I'm glad that we're on this end of it and not the other as we have been very blessed to learn life lessons and about reaching out to others in need --- that we probably wouldn't have learned in any other way.

So.....though my heart aches often, and I know of the sweet blessings that many of my friends and relatives have with their nice homes and yards and spouses and children etc. I can only hope that someday the Lord will bless us with the desires of our hearts and that we will be more considerate and compassionate and aware of those who are suffering. And....that He will forgive us for the times that we were not. I do know that I truly have come to love the poor and the needy more than I love money or wealth. For that blessing I am grateful.
But I also feel sometimes that I am just a big loser.


ABOUT US said...

Hello Heidi, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I feel the same way often even today and last night. On my way home I passed a church with a marque that said Count your blessings not your problems. I took a real long look at it and it did make a connection iwth me until I got home. And as you can tell by my latest post on my blog it didn't seem to work even though I have it in my mind. Thanks for sharing this blog with me because there are times I feel like I am the only one that goes through all those feelings and it really hits home when my kids go to see their father and his new family. Then my kids come home and want what they see their fathers others kids have and how they live. When we most of the time are living paycheck to paycheck. It does break my heart and then it makes me mad since the boys say his wife flaunts their daughter and son's expensive things to them an says comments that she wouldn't say if they weren't there. I do have a boyfriend but he is not of the church we have been together since before I became a member. He does support me but at times it is really hard because he doesn't get it at times. I am sorry for rambling on. Thanks for your blog keep posting. Smile, Annetta

Shelli said...

I taught a RS lesson last month from "Joy in the Journey" by Elder Uchtdorf. This is one of my favorite quotes from it: "Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend . . . when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth."

Easier said than done, I know! I have chronic fatigue syndrome, and sometimes it is hard for me not to focus on everything that I am now missing out on -- especially when there was so much there before I got sick that I took for granted. It does make me look at things differently, though. I am more aware of moments, because I never know when they'll be taken from me, too.

So, for me, in spite of my complaining sometimes, I know that I'm blessed, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Heidi A. said...

Thank you both!
It's nice to know we're not alone in the journey.

We strive to be grateful for what we have - but, I have learned, that there really are down times --- and not always because of our unrighteousness or choices.

Corinne said...

Heidi, I'm glad I found your blog. My life is very different from yours from the outside, but I can really understand what you are saying about the 'down times'
It is sometimes hard for me to remember to trust the Lord, but it is the only answer. The only answer to any grief or heartache.

Larissa said...

I can't remember how I found your blog but I am glad I did. I can relate to your post too. I am easily discouraged and often fall into the disappointment and frustration game. It's hard to constantly pull yourself out of it. Maybe it's this time of year or something. I have a hard time with jealousy and comparing myself to others. I feel like a failure all the time and I hate it. I am new to the single parenting thing but I find it so very difficult with challenges I never saw coming! I like Elder Uchtdorf's quote. I need to remember that one. Hang in there!